When Someone Gets Defensive are They Guilty or Just Burying (2024)

Ever notice how some people get weirdly defensive when you ask them even a simple question? Their hackles go up, they snap at you, and they launch into an elaborate explanation about something that didn’t require that level of detail. What’s that all about? Often, it signals that the person feels guilty about something and is trying to cover it up with an aggressive defense.

What does defensiveness indicate?

When someone gets overly defensive in response to normal questions, it often indicates they’re hiding something or feeling guilty.

Defensiveness is usually a sign that the person feels threatened in some way. It may be that they’re afraid of being caught in a lie or having a secret exposed. People who are telling the truth typically don’t feel threatened by honest questions and react defensively.

Some common signs of defensiveness include:

• Avoid direct eye contact. Glancing away frequently can signal dishonesty or discomfort with the line of questioning.
• Vague or rambling answers If someone is being evasive or making up details, their story may sound unclear or implausible.
• Hostility or aggression. Lashing out angrily at the person asking questions is a tactic to put them on the defensive and avoid scrutiny.
• Playing the victim. Crying or claiming they’re being attacked or bullied is a way to gain sympathy and deflect blame.
• Lying or contradicting previous statements. Obvious falsehoods or inconsistencies in someone’s story are clear signs they’re not being transparent.
• Refusing to answer or storming off. By avoiding the conversation altogether, the person doesn’t have to provide explanations or risk getting caught in a lie.

If you notice defensiveness in someone, don’t attack or accuse them, as this will likely make them retreat further or become angrier. Calmly point out the specific behaviors you’ve observed, explain why their reaction seems disproportionate, and reiterate your desire for honest communication. With patience and empathy, the truth may eventually come out.

Fight, Flight, or Freeze: The Brain’s Response to Perceived Threats

When someone gets defensive, their brain perceives a threat and goes into fight, flight, or freeze mode. Their reaction may signal they’re hiding something.

The fight response causes aggression and anger. They may attack you verbally or make excuses to avoid the topic. The flight response leads to avoidance. They change the subject or make a quick exit from the conversation. The freeze response leaves them tongue-tied or struggling to respond.

Any of these reactions could indicate deception or guilt. But there are other possible explanations, too. The topic may be uncomfortable for other reasons, or they may feel insecure about the interaction. Look for clusters of signals rather than relying on any single reaction.

Some other signs of deception include a lack of details, vagueness, and inconsistencies in their stories. Liars also tend to touch or rub their face, throat, and mouth more. They may cross their arms to create a barrier. Their smiles seem forced or don’t reach the eyes.

Of course, anxiety, cultural differences, or speech issues could also lead to these behaviors. So consider the context and what you already know about the person. If their reaction seems out of character or exaggerated, that’s more telling.

The bottom line is that no single indicator proves guilt. But when defensiveness and other red flags mount up, it’s worth delicately probing further or verifying facts independently. With patience and understanding, the truth has a way of revealing itself.

Cognitive Dissonance: When Beliefs and Behavior Don’t Align

When someone’s words and actions don’t match up, it often signals an internal struggle known as cognitive dissonance. This conflict between beliefs and behavior frequently manifests as defensiveness.

1. Their excuses don’t add up.

If their reasons for acting a certain way sound hollow or far-fetched, it could indicate they’re hiding their true motivations. For example, if a friend is repeatedly late meeting you for drinks and blames traffic every time, but traffic reports don’t support their claims, it’s likely an excuse. Their defensiveness shows the inconsistency between wanting to be punctual (belief) and frequently being late (behavior).

2. They get angry or shut down.

Rather than having a reasonable discussion about the discrepancy in their words and actions, someone experiencing cognitive dissonance may get angry, attack you, or shut down. They deflect from the real issue because addressing it directly would only increase their discomfort. If you call out an inconsistency and are met with rage or stonewalling, it’s usually a sign you’ve struck a nerve.

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3. Their body language is off.

Look for body language that contradicts their words, like avoiding eye contact, fidgeting, or crossing their arms. These nonverbal cues suggest they’re uncomfortable with the conversation or know their claims aren’t entirely truthful. For example, if they say, “I’m fine,” but won’t look you in the eye, their body is signaling the opposite. Their defensive behavior is a symptom of the battle between what they’re saying and what they truly feel or have done.

The greater the discrepancy between belief and behavior, the more defensive and closed-off someone will likely become when it’s brought to their attention. If their reactions seem disproportionate to the situation, you’ve probably hit upon an inconsistency they’re struggling with internally. The truth may be trying to emerge, even as they fight to suppress it. With compassion and open communication, you can help bring their beliefs and actions into alignment.

Signs of defensiveness: Behavioral cues to watch for

When someone gets defensive, it often signals that they feel guilty about something. Their behavior can reveal clues that they’re hiding information or being less than truthful. Here are some signs of defensiveness to watch for:

1. Aggression

If they respond to simple questions with anger or hostility, that’s a red flag. Their aggression is a smokescreen to avoid directly answering the question. Saying things like “Why are you interrogating me?” or “Get off my back!” is an attempt to put you on the defensive instead.

2. Avoiding eye contact

Normally, making eye contact but now avoiding it or glancing away frequently could indicate they’re uncomfortable with the line of questioning. They may stare at the floor, look up at the ceiling, or focus on an object while speaking instead of looking you in the eye.

3. Vague language

Being evasive by speaking in very vague terms is a tactic to conceal information. Pay attention if their story seems to lack important details or if their answers become more ambiguous. Saying “someone” did something rather than specifying who, or “this thing happened” without clarifying what the thing was, are signs they’re being intentionally unclear.

4. Deflecting

Quickly changing the subject or deflecting to questions about you instead of answering the actual question asked is a strategy to divert attention away from themselves. For example, if asked where they were last night, they reply, “Why do you need to know?” or throw it back at you with, “Where were you last night? They go on the offensive to avoid providing a direct answer.

5. Qualifiers

Using qualifiers like “I think” or “as far as I know” makes their statement seem less definite or certain. This leaves room for plausible deniability if the information turns out to be false. Pay close attention to qualifiers, as they can be a subtle way of misleading without technically lying. The truth may be that they know much more than they’re admitting.

The Connection Between Defensiveness and Guilt

When someone gets defensive in response to questions or accusations, it can signal they feel guilty about something. Their defensiveness is a way to protect themselves, even if subconsciously.

Here are some signs that the defensiveness you’re seeing could point to underlying guilt.

1. They make excuses.

If queries about their behavior or actions are met with elaborate excuses and justifications, it may be a sign of guilt. The excuses are a way to avoid taking responsibility and shifting blame. For example, “I didn’t have time to do it” or “It wasn’t my fault because…”

2. They attack or lash out.

Rather than address the issue directly, a defensively guilty person may lash out in anger at the person questioning them. They go on the attack to deflect blame and make the other person seem like the “bad guy. For example, “Why are you interrogating me? or “You always have to make me the villain!”

3. They play the victim.

Portraying themselves as victims is another tactic to garner sympathy and avoid accountability. Statements like “Why do these things always happen to me?” or “No one ever gives me a chance” are meant to make others feel sorry for them so their actions or mistakes are excused.

4. They avoid direct answers.

Be wary if questions are met with roundabout responses, vagueness, or subject changes. A guilty person will be evasive rather than providing a straightforward, honest answer. For example, “It’s complicated” or quickly changing the subject when asked a pointed question

5. Their body language seems off.

Defensive body language like crossed arms, a lack of eye contact, pacing, or fidgeting can also signal someone feels guilty. Their body language betrays the discomfort they feel under scrutiny, even if their words seem believable. Look for clusters of these signs rather than relying on any single cue.

The connection between defensiveness and guilt isn’t an exact science. But when you see multiple signs of defensiveness that seem disproportionate to the situation, there may be more beneath the surface. The defensive strategies are a smokescreen to hide the truth.

When someone gets defensive are they guilty or just burying?

When someone gets defensive, it can signal that they feel guilty about something. Their defensiveness is a way to deflect attention from the issue at hand and avoid directly addressing what’s making them uncomfortable. However, there are other reasons someone may get defensive that don’t necessarily mean they’re hiding anything sinister.

Burying Vulnerability

For some, showing vulnerability is difficult. Getting defensive is a way to bury feelings of insecurity or inadequacy and avoid appearing weak. If someone has a hard time opening up or struggles with self-confidence, their defensiveness may be a knee-jerk reaction to protecting themselves. With patience and compassion, you can help coax them out from behind their defensive shield.

Fear of Failure

The fear of failing or making a mistake can also trigger defensiveness. When faced with criticism or the perception that they did something wrong, a defensive response is meant to excuse or justify their actions. Underneath the defensiveness is a desire to avoid the consequences or judgment of failure. Offering reassurance and helping build confidence in their abilities may make them less prone to becoming defensive.

Communication Breakdown

Misunderstandings and perceived attacks can provoke defensiveness where none is needed. If tensions are high or trust is low, neutral questions or requests may be misinterpreted as accusations. Clarifying any confusion and rephrasing your communication in a non-confrontational way can help diffuse the situation and address the root cause of their defense mechanisms kicking in.

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The next time someone gets defensive, look for clues to determine if guilt is truly driving their reaction or if there are other factors at play. With empathy, patience, and improved communication, you have a better chance of moving past their defenses and having a productive conversation.

The defensive behavior

Defensive behavior refers to the actions and reactions individuals display when they feel threatened, criticized, or judged. It is a natural response to protect oneself from perceived harm or negative consequences. When someone exhibits defensive behavior, they often employ various strategies to deflect attention, avoid taking responsibility, or preserve their self-image.

Let’s explore some common manifestations of defensive behavior:

1. Denial and Excuses: Individuals may resort to making excuses or denying their involvement in a particular situation. This allows them to shift blame or responsibility onto others, creating a smokescreen to avoid facing potential consequences.
2. Aggression and Lashing Out: Some people respond defensively by resorting to aggression or lashing out verbally or physically. This aggressive behavior is often a defense mechanism used to intimidate others and maintain control over the situation.
3. Playing the victim: Another defensive strategy is playing the victim. By portraying themselves as the ones who have been wronged or unfairly treated, individuals attempt to gain sympathy and divert attention from their actions or shortcomings.
4. Avoiding Direct Answers: When confronted with uncomfortable questions or situations, defensive individuals may avoid giving direct answers. They might deflect, change the topic, or provide vague responses in an attempt to conceal information or avoid further scrutiny.
5. Altered Body Language: Defensive behavior can also manifest through changes in body language. Individuals may display signs of discomfort, such as crossed arms, avoiding eye contact, or fidgeting. These non-verbal cues often indicate their uneasiness and desire to protect themselves.

It is important to note that defensive behavior does not always indicate guilt or conceal something sinister. There are other underlying reasons for such responses.

Considering Context: Situational Factors That Can Lead to Defensiveness

When someone gets defensive, it’s natural to wonder if they’re hiding something or feeling guilty. However, there are other reasons why people may respond defensively that have nothing to do with wrongdoing. Consider the context and situational factors that could be contributing to their reaction before making assumptions.

1. Stress or anxiety

If the person is under a lot of pressure or stress, they may be feeling overly sensitive or reactive. Their defensiveness could be a symptom of their anxiety, not an indication of guilt. Offer empathy and support.

2. Feeling attacked

The way you approached the person could have triggered their defensiveness. If your tone was accusatory or they felt cornered, their reaction may have been a protective mechanism. Reassure them that you have good intentions and want an open dialog. Give them space if they need to calm down.

3. Lack of trust

Defensiveness is often a result of distrust or feeling vulnerable. If your relationship lacks a solid foundation of trust and good faith, the other person may frequently assume the worst and respond protectively. Work on building trust and improving communication to address the root cause of their defensiveness.

4. Low self-esteem

Someone with low self-worth may feel defensive when receiving constructive criticism or feedback. They perceive it as a personal attack because they already have a poor self-image. Provide encouragement and help build their confidence through praise and highlighting their strengths.

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5. Cultural differences

Cultural norms regarding expressing disagreement or handling a confrontation differ widely. Their defensiveness could simply be a result of a cultural mismatch in communication styles. Educate yourself on the person’s cultural background and adapt your approach to be more culturally sensitive.

So before accusing or making negative judgments, look at the situation through a wider lens. With empathy, improved trust, and understanding, you may find their defensiveness starts to fade.

Jumping to Conclusions: Assuming Guilt Without Evidence

It’s human nature to get defensive when accused of something, whether guilty or not. However, some behaviors can signal that defensiveness stems from a desire to hide the truth. When someone’s reaction seems disproportionate to the situation, it may indicate feelings of guilt or a tendency to overcompensate.

1. Jumping to Conclusions

If the person immediately denies all wrongdoing without even hearing the full accusation, it could be a sign they’re assuming their guilt has already been discovered. The knee-jerk reaction shows they’re on edge and eager to get ahead of the issue. Saying things like “I didn’t do anything wrong!” or “You’ve got it all wrong!” without allowing for discussion is a red flag.

2. Shifting blame

Rather than addressing the actual issue, the person redirects focus to other people or outside factors. Comments like “I only did it because [someone else] told me to! or “It’s not my fault that [external circ*mstance] happened!” suggest they’re unwilling to take responsibility for their actions or choices. Deflecting blame, whether partially or fully, signals a reluctance to face the consequences of what they’ve done.

3. Getting angry

An aggressive, attacking response—especially towards the accuser—is meant to put them on the defensive instead. Yelling, threatening, or hurling insults are tactics used to intimidate the other person into backing down. But getting overly angry, especially right away, more often indicates the person feels cornered by the truth, not that they’re innocent. Responding with hostility and rage is really about escaping discomfort over their guilt, not righteous indignation at false accusations.

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Of course, none of these signs alone prove definitively that someone is hiding the truth or covering up wrongdoing. But when these types of disproportionately defensive behaviors are present, especially in combination, it may be worth probing further to determine if there are underlying feelings of guilt. The truth has a way of revealing itself, even through attempts to conceal it.

Moving Forward: Addressing Defensiveness Constructively

When someone gets defensive, it can be a signal that they feel guilty or are trying to hide something. However, there are constructive ways to address defensiveness without accusation. The following tips can help move the conversation forward in a positive way:

1. Stay calm and composed.

Do not get aggressive or attack the other person. Remain polite, open-minded, and willing to listen. Respond in a measured, thoughtful tone. Your calm demeanor can help diffuse their defensiveness.

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2. Acknowledge their feelings.

Say something like, “I can understand why you feel that way. Validating their emotions will make them feel heard and less likely to become defensive. Reassure them that you want to have a constructive discussion.

3. Ask open-ended questions.

Rather than interrogating, ask questions to clarify and better understand their perspective. For example, say, “Can you help me understand your point of view?” or “What makes you feel that is the case? This shows your genuine interest in learning the reasons behind their defensiveness.

Explain that their defensive behavior is making it difficult to have a meaningful conversation. Say, “I’ve noticed you seem defensive, and I want us to have an open and honest dialog. Let them know their reactions are creating barriers to communicating effectively.

5. Suggest addressing the root issues.

Ask if any underlying issues are making them feel defensive. See if they are willing to openly and honestly discuss those issues. Make it clear that you want to get past the defensiveness and work to resolve the real problems. Compromises and solutions can then become possible.

With patience and the right approach, defensiveness can often be overcome. Addressing it respectfully and directly, while also showing empathy and a willingness to understand different perspectives, will increase the chances of a productive conversation.

Building Trust: Creating an Environment for Honest Dialog

To build trust in a relationship where defensiveness has emerged, creating an open environment for honest communication is key.

1. Listen without judgment.

The first step is to listen without judgment. When the other person opens up, give them your full attention and hear them out. Maintain eye contact, and don’t look at your phone or other distractions. Pay attention to their body language and tone to make sure your interpretations are correct. Ask clarifying questions to ensure you fully understand their perspective before responding.

Respond with empathy and care. You could express empathy by saying, “I can see why you would feel that way. Validate their feelings and experiences. Let them know you accept them as they are. This helps to diffuse defensiveness and builds a sense of safety in the relationship.

Once you have heard them out, share your perspective without accusation. Use “I” statements, like “I felt hurt when that happened. Explain how certain actions impacted you, then listen to their response with an open mind. Look for compromises and solutions you can both agree on.

The goal is to gain a mutual understanding, not prove who is right or wrong. Focus on listening to understand rather than just replying. With openness and empathy, you can gain valuable insight into the other person’s motivations and find common ground.

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Building trust and open communication is a process. While a single honest conversation can help clear the air and restore trust, consistency over time is required. Make a habit of checking in regularly, listening without judgment, and sharing how you genuinely feel. With patience and understanding, defensiveness will subside, and your connection will strengthen.

Defensiveness FAQs: Your Top Questions Answered

Everyone gets defensive from time to time. But when someone responds to questions or accusations with anger, aggression, or excuses, it can signal they’re hiding something. Here are the most common questions about defensiveness and what it means:

What are the signs someone is being defensive?

Some key signs of defensiveness include:

• Avoid giving direct answers to questions. Defensive people may dodge the question or give vague responses.
• Making excuses. The person blames external factors instead of taking responsibility. For example, “I didn’t have time” or “No one told me I needed to do that.”
• Shifting blame. The person accuses others rather than acknowledging their own mistakes or flaws. For example, “It’s not my fault—John didn’t give me the right information.”
• Anger or aggression. Defensive people may respond to questions or criticism with hostility, criticism of their own, or by attacking the other person.
• Crossing arms or legs. Folding arms across the chest or crossing legs can be a subconscious physical display of defensiveness. But don’t read too much into body language alone.

Is defensiveness always a sign of guilt?

Not necessarily. While defensiveness can indicate someone feels accused or threatened, it doesn’t prove guilt. Some innocent reasons for defensiveness include:

• Low self-esteem or confidence. The person feels overly sensitive to criticism.
• Fear of conflict. The person may get defensive to avoid an argument, even if they did nothing wrong.
• Cultural differences. Some cultures prize indirect communication over openly accepting blame or fault. Defensiveness may be a learned response.

The only way to determine guilt with any confidence is by investigating the facts and evidence, not by defensiveness alone. Look for specific inconsistencies in stories, facts that don’t add up, or evidence of wrongdoing—not just a defensive reaction. With an open mind, give the person a chance to explain themselves and provide any evidence of their innocence. But also trust your instincts if something still feels off.

Conclusion

So now you know some of the telltale signs that someone may be getting defensive to hide their guilt or wrongdoing. But before you go accusing anyone, remember that there are plenty of innocent explanations for defensive behavior, too. Some people are just naturally more guarded or sensitive, or they may have faced unfair accusations in the past. The only way to know if someone’s defensiveness points to guilt is by looking at the full context and your relationship.

If their reaction seems out of character or disproportionate, that’s a stronger sign. But ultimately, the healthiest approach is to give people the benefit of the doubt, unless there are clear reasons not to. And if you do suspect they’re hiding something from you, have an open and honest conversation with compassion and without judgment. That’s the best way to build trust and find the truth.

References

• What Is Defensiveness and How It Becomes A Vicious Cycle by Ed Coambs
• Nine Signals That You’re Feeling Guilty Written and verified bythe psychologistSergio De Dios González.
• Is Defensiveness Hurting Your Relationship? Try These Coping Strategies Instead byBetterHelpEditorial Team
• Understanding and Reducing the Impact of Defensiveness on Management Learning:Some Lessons From Neuroscience, A research by Leanna L.Holmer
• 7 Things You Shouldn’t Feel Guilty For

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