Toxic Positivity: Definition, Examples And What To Say Instead (2024)

Toxic positivity refers to an intense or enduring pressure to be happy, often through maintaining a positive outlook, no matter how difficult or troubling the circ*mstances, according to Erin Engle, Psy.D.,a psychologist at NewYork-Presbyterian/Columbia University Irving Medical Center.

Although positive thinking certainly has its place, positivity can become “toxic” when it results in avoiding, suppressing, minimizing or rejecting negative emotions we can experience when trying to cope with adversity or challenging life events, explains Dr. Engle.

While a healthy positive attitude is overall beneficial to well-being, the hallmark of toxic positivity is a refusal to witness or acknowledge traumatic or unpleasant feedback.

You can distinguish toxic positivity from optimism, gratitude or helpful coping because it usually makes one feel worse about an already challenging life circ*mstance, according to Dr. Engle.

“This occurs because toxic positivity inadvertently stigmatizes negative emotions that are natural to a situation,” she says.

“Toxic positivity seems well-meaning, but it feels negating to the person receiving it,” says Jenn Kennedy, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Riviera Therapy in Santa Barbara, California.

The Negative Impacts of Receiving Toxic Positivity

A person receiving toxic positivity may feel like their reality isn’t being acknowledged, which can feel frustrating, confusing or dismissive, according to Dr. Kennedy. “It’s like the person doing it is uncomfortable with witnessing the pain or upset,” she adds. “So they are trying to neutralize it or reduce it through their response.”

Toxic positivity may impact an individual on the receiving end in several ways, according to Dr. Engle, including:

• Feeling like one’s own emotional experience is invalid
• Diminished effective coping
• Internalized self-stigma or blame around negative emotions
• A false sense of control over life’s difficult circ*mstances
• Limited learning and understanding

Overall, toxic positivity may negatively affect mental health—of either the person on the receiving end or the person eliciting it—because it can actually intensify negative emotions, as it tends to make an individual perceive their feelings or coping strategies as wrong or bad, or it may make them feel like they shouldn’t feel a certain emotion in the first place, says Dr. Engle.

For example, Dr. Engle points out that in the case of clinical depression, people experiencing a degree of low mood often feel guilty about experiencing sadness or difficulty mustering the motivation needed for work or socialization.

“When support is sought, and an individual hears toxic comments like ‘just stay positive,’ it invalidates their current emotional experience of sadness, and stands to limit opportunities for more genuine closeness and understanding that stems from vulnerability and authentic connection,” Dr. Engle explains.

She adds that toxic positivity can also suggest that coping with depression “should be easier” or that one can control depression by merely thinking positive thoughts.

The Negative Impacts of Practicing Toxic Positivity

People practicing toxic positivity can feel negatively impacted by it, too, according to David Tzall, Psy.D, a licensed psychologist in New York City. Dr. Tzall says they may feel a constant pressure to maintain a cheerful facade, leading to emotional suppression, causing stress, anxiety and emotional burnout.

“It fosters a sense of inauthenticity, disconnecting them from their true selves, and may prevent them from addressing underlying issues, potentially exacerbating long-term stress,” explains Dr. Tzall. “Moreover, the pressure to conform to this unrealistic standard can isolate individuals, discouraging them from seeking the support they need from others.”

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It’s often obvious when toxic positivity is on the scene—it usually arrives in the form of dismissive phrases or sayings that only serve to shut down the conversation, and Dr. Engle says these can lead to a limited exploration of complicated feelings around human experience.

Toxic positivity can manifest in countless ways, but Dr. Engle points to a few infamous clichés you may be familiar with:

• “You’ll get through it”
• “It was for the best”
• “Things happen for a reason”

Though they may seem encouraging on the surface, Dr. Engle says these platitudes can ultimately limit the connection and health that could be gained from learning and working through painful emotions and adverse circ*mstances.

Other common examples of toxic positivity, as Dr. Kennedy explains, are telling a “matching story” or pointing out how the difficult outcome could have been even worse. For example, after a friend shares a story about an unpleasant or difficult experience at work, someone practicing toxic positivity may “match” the story by saying something like, “That’s not so bad. My neighbor just lost her job.”

“That does not help,” says Dr. Kennedy.

She adds that someone practicing toxic positivity may also push the person hurting toward “being grateful, counting blessings or seeing how resilient they are.”

“None of this feels very good on the receiving end,” Dr. Kennedy says.

A person practicing toxic positivity with you may have heartfelt intentions. Still, you can communicate with them that you’re not in a place to receive the kind of feedback they’re offering at that moment.

To do this, Dr. Engle suggests first recognizing the helpful or benign intention and then providing additional feedback as to what would be more helpful for you to hear.

“For example, in response to, ‘Look on the bright side, you still have X…’ I might encourage the recipient to say, ‘I appreciate your intention to be helpful, but I’m not there yet. This situation has been hard for me, and I need time to make sense of what’s happened. I would appreciate it if you could just be here with me and listen, as I find that most helpful right now,’” she explains.

Sometimes people inject toxic positivity into a tough conversation because they’re avoiding it, which may mean they’re not ready for it, according to Dr. Kennedy.

“They don’t have the skills to handle it—consciously or subconsciously—and therefore, they are dodging the conversation,” she explains, pointing out that forcing them to participate won’t feel good to either party, so you may find it’s best to wind down the conversation, which can protect your feelings. “You don’t need to call them out, but rather recognize their limitations and withdraw from the exchange,” continues Dr. Kennedy.

If someone continues to meet your expressions of negative emotions or struggles with toxic positivity, Dr. Tzall says to consider setting boundaries, especially if they’re unwilling to change.

“It may be helpful to seek support from other friends or professionals who can provide the empathy and understanding you need,” he says.

It’s not always easy to realize how overly-simplified suggestions or expressions are affecting someone in the moment, and many times, we may sincerely believe we’re being helpful when we use them.

“As a therapist myself, I can appreciate how difficult it can be to bear witness to painful life experiences or emotions,” says Dr. Engle.

Whether it’s a traumatic event, loss, health issues, prejudice and discrimination or other stressful life experiences that involve transition and change, Dr. Engle says each situation is complex and requires a unique amount of time and space to process, integrate and make sense of the experience.

To make sure your feedback is helpful and not hurtful, consider these guidelines when offering support:

• • Ask what they need; don’t assume: It’s usually effective to ask and not assume what the hurting person experiences as supportive or helpful in their coping, according to Dr. Engle. They may just hope you’ll lend an ear, and may not be interested in advice or help seeing any silver linings just yet.
  • Validate their experience: “Validation, or the acknowledgement of one’s reality, emotions or life circ*mstances, often provides an effective way to provide support,” Dr. Engle says. One way to do this is by responding authentically in a way that reflects back one’s reality to them, she explains. This approach, she says, supports healthy emotional processing instead of invalidation or the inadvertent reinforcement of emotional suppression that toxic positivity often results in. Dr. Engle suggests making comments like “Tell me more about it” or “I’m sorry you are experiencing this pain.” You can also approach the situation with curiosity by asking questions that express concern like, “How can I help?” This type of question, Dr. Engle says, typically encourages closeness, more genuine intimacy or processing.
  • Practice non-judgment and be a witness: Validation combined with emotional space, compassion and non-judgment are usually effective ways to provide support, says Dr. Engle. “Often, the most healing thing a friend can do is listen,” she says. “Stay present and don’t try to fix their hurt, but rather just witness their own process.” Dr. Kennedy adds.

Self-Inflicted Toxic Positivity: How to Change Your Mindset

Sometimes, the person inserting toxic positivity in your life is you.

If you find you’re often suppressing negative emotions, forcing yourself to always maintain a positive outlook even when you’re genuinely struggling or are constantly setting unrealistic expectations for yourself to “bounce back” quickly from difficult experiences, Dr. Tzall says this can be a form of self-inflicted toxic positivity.

“Believing that your problems are not as significant as others’ and therefore don’t deserve attention or validation can lead to self-neglect and isolation,” he explains.

Here are some ways to avoid this, according to Dr. Tzall:

• Be kind to yourself: “Acknowledge that it’s okay to have negative emotions and experiences,” says Dr. Tzall, adding that it helps to treat yourself with the same understanding and sensitivity you would offer a friend.
• Don’t suppress your emotions: Dr. Tzall encourages people to allow themselves to feel and express their emotions, whether they are positive or negative. “Suppressing or denying them can lead to emotional distress,” he explains.
• Challenge your thoughts: “If you catch yourself inflicting toxic positivity on yourself, challenge those thoughts,” Dr. Tzall says, adding that you can do this by asking yourself if your thoughts are realistic and if they genuinely reflect your feelings.

Remember, just as it’s essential to validate the experiences of others, it’s vital to validate your own, too.

“Recognize your own feelings and emotions,” Dr. Tzall says. “Understand that it’s okay to feel the way you do, and it’s important to validate your own experiences.”